Hi Evan,My
friends and I are all in the range of early to mid-to somewhat late
30's and this is a very difficult time to find "the one". When I was in my 20's, I never
worried about having to find out if my date / bf wanted kids or where he
wanted to live or if we have the same ideas about money and spending. We would spend 2 + years together (not worrying about future or
marriage) and then break up if we got sick of each other or fell out of
love.But now, let's be realistic, how long do we
really have to waste? I am almost
33. If I spent 2 years with
someone and it didn't work out, I would then be 35, and I want kids!So, at this age, how soon is it
okay to have a talk about what we want in life ... 1st, 2nd, 3rd date? What if a guy that is amazing says he is unsure
he wants kids and I know I want them? I drop him, right? If a guy in his mid 30's thinks it is ok to
date for 2 years and see if it is right, then my instinct is to let him
go. By the same
token, I feel that it is appropriate to KNOW by 6 months if this person
is the one or not. Is this
correct? Let me
remind you that I'm not talking about people in their 20's who enter
into 5-year relationships. My friends and I want to be smart. I just ended a relationship with a
guy after 6 months who told me he had serious doubts that I was the one.How long until you
should know (at this age) and how long until you should be planning to
get engaged / married? I know people that get
engaged after 6-8 months because they just know. I do NOT want to waste time. I am still considered young, but
one long-term relationship that goes nowhere and I am 1-2 years older! If a guy tells me he wants
to date for 2 years, then if we are right, he wants to get married, but
then travel for a year before thinking about having kids, shouldn't I
run? I hope all of
this makes sense. All of my close single girlfriends are in the
same boat. We are all in the same age range
and try to live by the "rules" of not bringing up marriage and kids and
future goals or when we want those things. But shouldn't we talk about that early on, in order to know
we are on the same page? I want to date someone that is also looking for "the one" and
knows that he wants it soon, just as I do.Thanks so much, SKDear SK,I couldn't be more sympathetic to you. Now that I'm almost 37, most of my friends are in this
35-40 range, and there's no doubt of the psychological toll that being
single takes on them. The
window to have kids is a narrow one, and, for that reason, it makes
everything feel urgent.
The window to have kids is a narrow one, and, for that reason, it makes everything feel urgent.I'm confident that just about anyone in your position would feel the exact same as you do. But, like an employee who has to grin and bear it when he's got to work overtime, you have to figure out a way to smile, breathe deeply, and not get overwhelmed by your feelings. First, let's try an exercise. Pretend you're a guy for a second.Now reread your letter. I'll wait.
The window to have kids is a narrow one, and, for that reason, it makes everything feel urgent.I'm confident that just about anyone in your position would feel the exact same as you do. But, like an employee who has to grin and bear it when he's got to work overtime, you have to figure out a way to smile, breathe deeply, and not get overwhelmed by your feelings. First, let's try an exercise. Pretend you're a guy for a second.Now reread your letter. I'll wait.